


love, for you

by QuietLittleVoices



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Familial Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Navigating relationships, Platonic Love, Romantic love, The General Concept of Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-10-01 21:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20415535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietLittleVoices/pseuds/QuietLittleVoices
Summary: When Ben moved away for college, he called his mom three times a day for the entire first year. She always picked up. The only reason he stopped in second year (cut down to just twice a day) was because she, ever so gently, reminded him the she also had things to attend to. He still calls his mom most days, and visits for dinner at least once a week, if not twice.//Ben knows that most people don't love as loudly as he does, that people don't cling the way he does with their fingernails to the edge of anything they can get ahold of. He knows this. That doesn't mean he understands it, but he's starting to.





	love, for you

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for a long time, and the finished product is actually pretty different from my original concept, but this is basically just 3k of Ben learning how people show love in different ways and I love that for him.
> 
> Title from 'Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out' by Richard Siken. 'Love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like religion. It's terrifying.'

It was different when they first got Jack back. Jack was - not fragile, Ben doesn’t think Jack was  _ fragile _ , exactly but. He needed help. And Sammy needed  _ to  _ help. He needed to feel useful, Ben understands that. For the first few months, it was rare to see Sammy and Jack not touching, let alone in different rooms. Lily had been around too, just as stuck to Jack’s side as Sammy was, but she’d moved out to her own place when Jack started looking better, grumbling about not wanting to be around all the ‘honeymoon period’ energy.

Ben isn’t sure exactly what changes, or when. Jack’s recovery isn’t linear, there’s still bad days and good days, and on the bad days Sammy is right there, as close as he was in the first few days that he’d had Jack again. But Jack is better now - not perfect, but he’s better. And on good days - on good days they sometimes don’t act like they can even see each other.

That’s not it, exactly - Ben will walk into the living room to find them both there, doing their own things in their own space. Sammy will give Jack a blanket when he walks by and Jack will bring Sammy a cup of coffee but they don’t… act like a couple. Not in a way that Ben understands, can extrapolate from his admittedly limited experience (especially limited with the ‘long term’ modifier), and he hates that he thinks that. 

“You know you can like,” Ben says to Sammy before they go on the air one night, making a vague gesture. 

Sammy just gives him a confused look. “Like what?”

“You know. With Jack,” Ben says vaguely. “You guys can… be however you want, at home. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything,”

Sammy’s eyes go soft, and kind of sad around the edges, and Ben wishes he just understood what Sammy had been through. He knew the broad strokes of Sammy’s life now, but he was still reticent to share details, and Ben just wishes he could get it without Sammy having to make himself uncomfortable. He wishes that he could just  _ know _ so that he could be the best friend that Sammy needs. “Thanks,” Sammy says earnestly, clapping a hand onto Ben’s shoulder. “We aren’t? But I appreciate knowing that.”

Ben nods and just - hopes that it’s enough.

Nothing changes. Or at least, if anything does, Ben doesn’t notice it. He isn’t sure what he was expecting, really - Sammy said that he and Jack weren’t hiding or anything, so there was no reason to change, but Ben still feels like maybe it wasn’t taken to heart? Maybe they didn’t believe him?

He expresses as much to Emily, curled around her with his head on her chest. 

“Honey,” Emily says softly, running her fingers through his hair. “Not everyone needs or wants to make everything a grand gesture like you.”

Ben pouts. And then realizes something. “What about you?” he asks. “I never - I mean. Is it weird for you when I do that stuff?”

Emily shrugs. “No, it’s not  _ weird _ . I love you, Benny, and I know what that means to you.”

Ben pushes himself up a little bit to look at her and she makes a soft noise of discontent at losing his warmth on her front. “But - what  _ would _ you want? Other than that?”

“I just don’t need the big things,” she admits. “I know you love me, I don’t need you - buying an ad space on your own show to say it, or anything. I know it when you bring me coffee, or send me lists of books we should get for the library.”

Ben lays back down. “Oh.”

“I don’t want you to change, Benny,” she reassures him. “I love  _ you _ , and part of that is you - being you, and doing the most for the people you love.”

Ben nods. “I do love you. A lot.”

“I know, Benny,” she says, wrapping her arms back around him and running a hand down his back. “I love you, too.”

When Ben moved away for college, he called his mom three times a day for the entire first year. She always picked up. The only reason he stopped in second year (cut down to just twice a day) was because she, ever so gently, reminded him the she also had things to attend to. He still calls his mom most days, and visits for dinner at least once a week, if not twice.

He knows that isn’t usual. He  _ knows _ not everyone is like that, and that most people aren’t. Ben is actually pretty sure that he’s never met anyone else who talks to their parents that often. But that doesn’t mean he understands.

“You and Jack should go out,” Ben suggests during a commercial break. 

Sammy doesn’t startle at the suggestion, but his back straightens and he looks at Ben questioningly. “Did you need the apartment to yourself? You just have to ask and we can give you and Emily some alone time.”

Ben shrugs. “No, I just - you guys spend a lot of time at home, I thought you might want to… show him the sights or something?” he suggests weakly. It sounds fake to his ears and he hates that because he isn’t  _ trying _ to pull one over on Sammy, he would never try that, but it definitely sounds that way.

Sammy raises an eyebrow knowingly, and Ben cringes slightly, knowing exactly what Sammy thinks he knows and how that isn’t the situation, not really. Ben obviously loves to spend time with Emily, all the time, but he doesn’t need to kick Sammy and Jack out to do that. 

“Just think about it,” Ben mutters as the commercial ends, and they’re back on the air.

Sammy does, ultimately, say something to Jack that evening and they go out. Ben calls Emily over and they watch a movie, and Ben only sees Sammy again when they’re getting ready to go on the air.

“What did you guys do?” he asks idly, pretending to pay attention to his coffee.

Sammy shrugs. “Got dinner at Rosa’s? Oh, we saw Ron, so we talked to him for a bit.”

“That’s nice,” Ben says, trying not to sound disappointed and knowing that he fails when Sammy puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Did things not go well with Emily?” Sammy asks and that’s - not at all what Ben was expecting.

“What?” Ben pulls back and looks at Sammy, confused. “We just watched a movie.”

Sammy nods and gives him another knowing smile. “You didn’t even ask, huh?”

“What are you talking about?” Ben asks. 

“You know, I tried to ask Jack probably five times before he just gave up and asked me?” Sammy says. He isn’t looking at Ben directly, more like off to the side, and there’s a - not a sad quality to it but. Nostalgic for a time that was both easier and much harder. “We’d already talked about it a lot by then, and knew that it was something we wanted, but we both wanted to be the one to officially ask. You could just try talking to her, if you guys haven’t already?”

“Oh,” Ben says, understanding slowly dawning on him. Sammy had only gone out because - because he thought - but Ben hadn’t even - “I. Sure. Yeah. I’ll do that.”

“She’ll say yes, you know,” Sammy assures him.

Ben nods, an awkward and jerky movement. It wasn’t something he’d actively thought about - proposing to Emily. He’d thought about  _ being _ married to her, knew he wanted to be with her forever, but he hadn’t considered the act of proposing. Maybe he should have. But - there were other things he needed to deal with first. They didn’t even live together yet, for one thing.

It turns out it’s pretty easy to ask Emily to move in with him. He just - asks. Like what Sammy said except about something that’s still very different. It’s Emily that points out that, as much as she’d love to, there isn’t exactly enough breathing room for four people in either of their apartments. So they start house hunting, and Sammy and Jack prove to be indispensable for that. They would obviously have a say no matter what, since they’d be living there too, but they’re a lot better than Ben and even Emily at navigating real estate. Ben got his mom’s help when he bought the apartment and Emily admitted she had just looked at what was closest to the library, but Sammy and Jack had actual  _ house hunting _ experience. There was never a huge variety of houses on the market at any time in King Falls, of course, so they didn’t exactly end up stuck between two choices. 

They ended up with a nice, big house, a bit farther away from town than they would have liked but there’s room for an office and room for a nursery, maybe, one day, and Ben shies away from that thought but he notices how Jack and Sammy look at each other when the real estate agent says that. 

A lot of people show up to help them move, and it’s pretty easy because all their stuff fit into two apartments before, but they have all the essentials.

Ben knew that Sammy and Jack hadn’t started planning their wedding yet, because it was still so early and even though the good days finally outnumbered the bad… they could get pretty bad. But he wasn’t sure if they’d had a chance to talk about it, and suddenly Ben wanted to know - and not just to make himself stop thinking about the ring he saw and how it would be perfect for Emily. 

Nothing changed when they moved into the house other than Emily being there all the time, which was admittedly pretty great. It threw into a starker contrast that Sammy and Jack just… acted differently from him and Emily. And Ben wasn’t sure what that meant. Any time he had the opportunity he was holding Emily’s hand, and the most contact that Ben saw between Sammy and Jack on good days were light touches to let the other know where they were.

Maybe it was like Emily said - they didn’t need big things. But sometimes Ben didn’t see much of anything. He was pretty sure he’d never seen them kiss and that - was actually pretty surprising, considering he’d been living with them for six months. 

“How did you know?” Ben asks when he and Sammy pull up to that radio station. It isn’t the question he wanted to ask. “With Jack, I mean. How did you know you wanted to marry him?”

Sammy looks startled by the question, which is fair because Ben is, too. But maybe - maybe it’s the right question, when Sammy just laughs softly and a small smile finds its way onto his face. “I just knew. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything, but I just  _ knew _ that I could spend the rest of my life with him if he’d let me. And once we started dating I knew that if it didn’t work out, he’d still be it for me, so I had to make it work.”

Ben tapped his fingers on his thigh quickly. “Have you talked about it since he… came back? Getting married?”

“A little bit,” Sammy admits. “There’s… it’s a lot to deal with, all at once. Planning a wedding is a lot of work and energy, and we’ve talked about it enough to know that we need to wait before making that step. Not the ‘being married’ part - we’ve waited long enough for that - but the wedding.”

“Me and Emily could help!” Ben suggests, suddenly getting excited because maybe  _ this _ will finally be what they need to relax. “That way you don’t have to worry about it.”

Sammy looks over at Ben disbelievingly, like he almost can’t believe that this is something real that’s happening. Shocked that someone would offer to plan a wedding that Ben knew he’d spent years fearing would never happen. “I’ll have to ask Jack but that… that would be really nice of you.”

“It’s not a problem!” Ben adds quickly, almost bouncing in his seat. “I just want you two to - to know that I love you guys, and want you to have everything you wanted.”

“That - it means a lot to me, to both of us, that you’d do that.” Sammy clasps a hand on Ben’s shoulder in lieu of a hug, with the car consol between them, and then gets out of the car.

Emily obviously agrees to help, and Jack agrees to let them, so she and Ben start to figure out how to start wedding planning.

“I’m so happy for them,” Emily says softly. They’re sitting at the dining table, sides pressed together as they flip through books with lists of everything they’ll need to prepare, from colour scheme to menu. She nods over to where Sammy and Jack are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, with Jack’s feet up in Sammy’s lap as they both read, and Ben wishes they realized it would be  _ fine _ if they wanted to sit next to each other until he realizes that Sammy’s hand is resting on Jack’s ankle, a soft point of contact between them, and Ben just thinks  _ oh _ . 

Ben knows that not everyone is like him. He knows that most people don’t call their mom every day, that most people wouldn’t want to take out a billboard to tell their girlfriend they loved them, that most people are able to count how many times they say  _ I love you _ a day. Most people would be overwhelmed by the only way Ben has figured out how to make sure people know he loves them. And Sammy and Jack and Emily - they aren’t overwhelmed by it, but they aren’t like him either. They’re happy to just sit quietly with people they love and know that  _ they’re alive, they’re okay, they’re here with me _ .

“Yeah,” Ben says, voice suddenly thick as he watches Jack look up and smile at Sammy softly until Sammy smiles back, and it’s the happiest he’s seen Sammy look  _ ever _ . “Me, too.”

Ben thinks he might be starting to understand.

It still takes him two months to figure it out. He buys the ring - not the one he’d seen before, that one was too big, but something understates. There’s still sparkly diamonds, but it has a low profile - something with no risk of getting caught and ripping book pages. 

He shows it to Sammy and Sammy looks… confused.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asks, suddenly very concerned that he’s done something horrible.

Sammy shakes his head. “Nothing, it’s… perfect, actually. Emily will love it.”

It’s only barely comforting, because Sammy still has that  _ look _ on his face. “But?”

“But nothing!” Sammy says quickly. “It’s beautiful, Ben, I’m just surprised.”

“Why? You thought I was gonna propose because I’d even  _ thought _ about it,” Ben admits. “I just - I know I can be a lot. And I want it to be perfect for  _ her _ .”

“It is,” Sammy reassures him. “But - what do you mean you hadn’t thought about it? I was sure that was why you kept kicking us out.”

Ben looks down awkwardly. “I just wanted you guys to like, go on dates and stuff. I thought you were still uncomfortable around me and if you were alone, you could just - be yourselves together. Emily told me that I was being crazy and that you two weren’t holding back because of me. But I was worried.”

“I told you that we weren’t hiding anything,” Sammy says, reaching over and pulling Ben into a side-hug, made slightly awkward by the fact that they were both in office chairs at the station. “It means a lot that you thought about it, but - and I mean this honestly - this is the most open we’ve ever been in front of other people. We’ve been together for a really long time, so it’s going to look different than you and Emily, and this is all a bit of a learning curve for us. But I promise we aren’t holding back on your account.”

“I know that now,” Ben admits quietly. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I am.” Sammy jostles his shoulder once before letting go. “For the first time in a long time, I really am.”

Sammy and Jack are there when Ben finally asks. It’s movie night, a holdover tradition from before they’d all moved in together. Sammy had made them dinner and was now pressed into the couch between Ben and Jack, with Jack’s head resting on his shoulder. Ben looked between them and Emily and just - knew. All at once. 

He struggles to hop up between the combined pressure of Sammy and Emily but manages it with a quick “Bathroom” before walking nonchalantly towards the stairs and then breaking into a sprint towards his and Emily’s room as soon as he was around the corner. When he comes back he just takes a second to see how Sammy’s leaned farther into Jack and Emily’s scooted through his spot to lean on Sammy and his heart fills with warmth for this, his family, safe and happy.

He kneels down in front of Emily, and immediately she sits bolt upright, covering her mouth and jostling Sammy enough that he and Jack notice, too. 

“Emily Potter -” he starts seriously, but Emily interrupts him by throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. 

“Yes!” she says excitedly when she pulls back, moving her hands from his shoulders to his hands, wrapping them over the one holding the ring.

“I didn’t ask anything yet,” Ben replies, but he can’t stop grinning. “Will you marry me?”

Emily nods her head vigorously and as soon as Ben has the ring on her finger, Sammy and Jack are pulling them into a big group hug. 

“That was perfect,” Emily tells him when they’ve all finally agreed to go to bed. “You thought about that for a long time, didn’t you?”

“I just wanted you to know that - I get it. That not everyone wants everything to be so big all the time,” Ben admits. “And you said you loved me for how I am but - I love you for how you are, too, and I needed you to know that.”

Ben feels like he can move mountains from the way that Emily smiles at him, so full of love. “I know, Benny. I know.”

When she kisses him again it’s like the last puzzle piece clicks into place.


End file.
